Jan 21, 2020
I wanted to kill myself in high school. No not just the once, God no, but this one Valentines Day comes to mind.
Valentine’s Day. Fucking brilliant. You know this nerd had a great day, but it’s so much worse than you think. God it’s so much worse. Or it was, back then. Now I can look back on it fondly, laugh, and only get a vague sort of desire to beat myself up rather than off myself.
The school was doing this sort of feelgood lovey-dovey bollocks that can only come out of a desire to make money. They were selling roses for a quid or so each. You buy one, give it to someone you wanted to shag. Least that’s how people in our school were handling things.
So where do I come in? Who the fuck did I want to shag in high school? Well, truth be told, everybody. But I wasn’t going to go out of my way to make some poor girl suffer the embarrassment of having been given a rose by Cohan. Even I wasn’t that cruel.
Then something happened, I don’t know what it was. I barely even remember it now actually, but something got it into my head I should get one of these roses and give it to a girl in my year. I think her name was Becky? Something like that. Maybe she’d hinted that she wanted one? Straight up asked for one? Maybe I just got a random stonk on and decided today was the day I man up and do something about it! Maybe I just bought into the whole thing and still to this day can’t admit that to myself.
In any case, the roses ran out. Not a single one of the fuckers left. Not for a quid, not for 20 quid. Shit.
Well Cupid’s busted-ass arrow had hit me and by God was I going to deliver. I snuck out of school - incidentally, sneaking out as an unnoticed nerd in high school is literally just a case of walking out of the front gate past the teacher guarding it - I snuck out of school and popped up to the local Spar shop. I’ve got this one in the bag, these cunts are going to be cashing in on it too. Fucking right they were as well, the roses there were a fiver! Cheeky bastards!
Bought one, whatever. Price be damned! This is going to be great! Snuck (again, casually strolled) into school. Planned my next move. Or, didn’t.. I went for it though!
If I’m remembering right the next lesson was maths. It was out the back in one of those weird mobile units schools tend to have. Not that it matters to the story, I’m just trying to jog the cobwebs off my memory. Lets go with it. Outside maths is where it all fell apart.
Now you’re thinking I went to give her the rose and tripped up or puked all over myself aren’t you? Maybe you’ve got a cheekier mind and you think I spunked my underwear up. Haha, I fucking wish.
I gave her the rose, nice and simple, little bit awkward. Weird vague embarrassment on both sides. Of course, it’s high school.
She didn’t even take it too badly either as it happens, seemed relatively thankful and that.
All this was honestly going pretty fucking grand until she opened the rose to discover the petals were actually made of rolled up lace underwear.